Just in case there is some secret IRS rule that you just can’t use an Amazon $79, 14 Trillion MegPictures digital camera once and then try and deduct the whole shebang, plus several years of depreciation, and the $3,249.78 it took for me to buy the computer so I could order the $79 camera online, I thought it might be best if I do some additional hangin’.
Dudes … Skeet Reese, one of my great friends out here, has the biggest truck I have ever seen that wasn’t towing something like live chickens or Dunkin’ Donuts.
But if you aren’t during the day hauling chickens or donuts, you can’t imagine how big this truck is, but I don’t want to actually start putting FACTS in my stories, that’s a huge mistake to get into knowing as I do that huge journalistic libel suits usually hinge on a fact or two gone awry. That’s why I avoid them all together.
Judge: “So person suing db in journalism court, what exactly did he write? What are the facts of the case?”
The Sue’ers: “Ah, hmm, ah there weren’t any real facts … “
Bang the gavel … I win. You can be sued for being incorrect; ain’t no statute for being vague.
But since Skeet is a close friend who knows secrets about me, and that vice-versa suing equalizer stuff in my favor, I’m going to stick some facts in here.
Fact 1: Anything that big and that yellow ALWAYS has the right of way. Always. If you happen to be in one of those little itty-bitty cars that run on batteries/old lettuce/compost pile stuff/hamster on a wheel, know this, not only will Skeet not even know you are there, when he does pass you by just driving over you, you won’t even register as a speed bump in Skeet’s head.
Fact 2. Skeet’s tires cost $800 a piece. Times four is more than the total amount of money I spent on books during my entire four years in college (which for some is not that much of a surprise).
Fact 3. Somewhere in the thing he has fuel tanks that can hold 220 gallons of diesel. If you don’t have the King and Queen level credit score, they’re not even going to let you into a gas station.
3A: I’m doing some double facting here … Skeet figures that once he finances the fill-up he can drive 1,700 miles on a thankful of gas. Now dig this … that would be like Skeet leaving my driveway up in Connecticut and driving all the way to DALLAS without putting more nectar of the pumps in.
That is, if he remembers one thing.
“I have the remote starter in it so I hit the button, run out and climb in and drive about a quarter mile and then the whole thing just dies on me, kaput … I always forget to put the key in the ignition and without doing that it stops in a couple of blocks.”
Well, maybe not, you know, straight to Dallas.
Now all you superstitious boaters out there, might be best to turn away for a few minutes here … go on …
OK, so, I’m typing in a whisper here but as I’m walking by Dustin Wilks’ Skeeter boat, I see the dude sitting there eating. He’s actually eating …
… A BANANA.
I’m like horrified, so the very first thing I do for Dustin’s safety is drop him from my fantasy team … then I tell him.
“So I hope to goodness you have a monkey on board because that may be the only way you can get around the banana in a boat curse. Frankly, I think technically you can’t even have Banana bread on board dude, let alone that Chiquita thing.”
At which point Dustin holds the banana out to me like it’s some smallmouth record. Then he tells me this:
“Normally db people use this locker on their boat to store a prop, that’s where I keep some of my sandwiches … I also keep some of the sandwiches in this compartment over here (it’s the storage bin found in between the person driving the boat and the other person holding onto the side and screaming).”
“Normally on a tournament day I eat 2 turkey sandwiches, one peanut butter and jelly sandwich and 3 protein bars.”
And two bananas.
“I eat more than the observer does, and he’s just sitting there the whole time. I basically eat something every time I crank the motor up.”
And I’m thinking, all that food may indeed be tax deductible.
–db
Don Barone is an award-winning outdoors writer and a member of the New England Outdoor Writers Association and the Outdoor Writers Guild of the U.K. You can reach db at www.donbaroneoutdoors.com.