Bass fishing’s baddest ideas

Bass anglers are a creative lot.

Some ideas, though, are better left on paper.

Here is a list of items to avoid…if you haven’t already tried them.

Funny how some things related to bass fishing seem like such a great idea when you first read about ’em in a magazine or see ’em on a TV fishing show … then they turn out to be a major disappointment (or worse) when you experience it for yourself! Case in point: that “Bass Catcher Tournament Lure Pak” you saw advertised on TV for only $69.95 plus shipping & handling! The fact that the commercial featured a New York actor in a rowboat wearing a pork pie hat with trout flies stuck in it should have raised a red flag, but noooooo … you fell for the pitch anyway! Eight months and $199.99 in credit card charges later (plus shipping and handling, remember?), the goods finally arrive via a tramp steamer from Mumbai! You breathlessly rip open the package to find your “Tournament Lure Pak” consists of two rupees’ worth of pastel colored crappie curly tails! Lesson learned? Maybe! If you’re tempted to be sucked in by any of these other ill-conceived bassin’ ideas, take our advice and forget about it!!

1. Asking your taxidermist to mount the 14-pound bass you caught in Mexico so it appears to be playing a miniature guitarrón with its fins while wearing a tiny sombrero on its head.
2. Dressing up your wardrobe with a 24-karat-gold leaping lunker pendant.
3. Attempting to “eat healthier” while bass fishing by snacking on ­gluten-free pork rinds.
4. Embarking on a month-long peacock bass fishing expedition to any third-world country that’s in the midst of a civil war.
5. Running 95 miles up the river in your bass club tournament to “find some unpressured water” because you saw KVD do it on The Bassmasters.
6. Using crawfish-scented tournament soap to mask that “human odor.”
7. Quitting your job as a Victoria’s Secret ­lingerie designer to ­become a bass guide.
8. Fishing a drop shot rig with 4-pound line at Falcon Lake, Texas.
9. Spending thousands of dollars on custom racing propellers, high-compression outboard ­cylinder heads and other exotic, high-performance components to increase your bass boat’s top-end speed by 1 mph.
10. Taking your preacher bass fishing.
11. Collecting action figures of Elite Series anglers.
12. Volunteering for your bass club’s latest community service project: “Take a Criminally Insane Inmate Fishing.”

13. Breaking for “shore lunch” on any lake south of the Mason-Dixon Line.
14. Building the ultimate rod storage rack in the corner of your man cave, which also happens to feature three ceiling fans.
15. Pimping your tow ­vehicle with a vanity ­license plate that reads BASSMAN, MR PRO or JERK IT.
16. Giving your wife, as an anniversary present, a pair of earrings that you crafted from spinnerbait blades.
17. Accompanying the new guy in your bass club to a remote mountain lake in Wyoming, only to find out once you get there that you’ll be sharing a tent.
18. Attempting to master the “bow and arrow” cast.
19. Buying “home cured” beef jerky from the back of a pickup truck.
20. Concocting your own worm dunk.
21. Promising your fishing buddy that you’ll read his bass blog.
22. “Holding it” until you get back to the marina.
23. Inviting a fisheries biologist to speak at your bass club meeting.
24. Hanging a ­lavender-scented air freshener from your tow vehicle’s rearview mirror while it’s parked all day at the lake in 102-degree heat with the windows rolled up.
25. Signing up for a wilderness rafting/camping trip on a Class V smallmouth river during the rainy season.
26. Using any bass lure designed to mimic an invasive species.
27. Launching your 21-foot bass rig at a “secondary” boat ramp.
28. Attempting to hook up your battery charger in the dark.