"On the road again…"
Dateline: Bassmaster.com … Front Page
Let’s be honest … for me, every lake is a mystery lake.
Barb, on the other hand, would be more honest and pretty much say life is a mystery for me.
Barb would be correct.
Pretty much the whole shebang, of the whole shebang, goes right over my head.
And I prefer it that way.
You know, it adds adventure to life, it makes, say, doing laundry a mysterious adventure, makes cooking downright mystical …
… makes DETAILS incomprehensible.
Barb say's I'm this way because I'm a Gemini.
I say that's hogwash. Complete and utter nonsense. Untrue.
… ya never know. Could be. Probably.
I like being alone in crowds. Prefer being on my own with people around me. Hidden, in plain sight as it was.
Barb says no.
Barb says that anyone who attempts to change the oil in the car by trying to pour the 10W/40 down the dipstick … should not be alone.
Barb says that anyone who puts bacon in a blender trying to make a Bacon Margarita … should not be alone.
Barb says that anyone who pours dishwashing soap on top of a car right before it rains … should not be alone.
And if you ask every Elite angler who knows me well, they would say …
… Barb is right.
So this year … B.A.S.S. Elites … 2012 … the season of mystery … I'm going to add a little intrigue myself.
I'm going to find me a roommate.
An Elite roommate.
One of the boys.
Mystery and all.
On the road…
" … on the road again going places that I've never been … "
Only one problem. I don't actually have, you know, a, sort of like, a … roommate.
Except Barb … and she's busy. Working in the school when the school is working.
Now I have begged her to "Come on out," at which time she goes upstairs into my office, opens up the file cabinet and pulls out the stack of X-ray's, prescriptions, out-of-date meds, splints, a folding cane and three heating pads and just stands there looking at me.
Wife shorthand for her saying "I need to work for healthcare benefits because you keep falling apart."
And if you ask every Elite angler who knows me well they would say …
… Barb is right.
So be it.
For the first two years of my B.A.S.S. Magical Mystery Tour, I hoteled and moteled it. Now I don't want to say bad, i.e. SUABLE, things about the entire hospitality industry … but dudes … CAN YOU VACUUM THE CARPETS.
Like maybe wipe the all-in-one-for-my-convenience microwave/refrig/desk down once a month maybe.
Have at least one, JUST ONE of those rumpled paper things you call towels, just one not have a stain on it.
And BTW … Shag died three decades ago … will you please drag it out and give it a proper, hospitable burial. Respect the past, but quit making me sleep in it.
So, after 93 room nights PER SEASON, for two PER SEASONS … I permanently checked out.
Bought myself an RV I did.
" … seeing things that I may never see again … "
Affectionately known as the db/bb/rv.
Or, truthfully know as the *!@#&%!/rv.
You talk mystery … try living in 28-feet of mystery for 140 days a year, times two.
At Kentucky Lake, I was two shakes of the battery away from the battery blowin' up. Battery Warning Maker People … you might want to put the warning "Do not shake this thing if it smells like rotten eggs" on the TOP of the about to get shook battery, not down there on the side of the thing were it gets all dirty and partially peeled off.
RV maker people … when you make an RV with a slide that is supposed to slide in and out … especially in after it is out you might want to measure the fancy wood trim inside so that when it is slidin' back in it doesn't catch on the driver's seat and shoot off and hit the guy with his finger on the slide button … in the head.
RV Engineer People … when you make those diagram things I can't even see yet read … you might want to make it so that when it's time to eat anywhere in the South in the summer that I can actually hit the EAT button on the microwave WITHOUT havin' to hit the off button on the Try Not To Melt A/C thing up on the roof because forgetting to do so means I have to go outside and rustle up Steve Kennedy or K-Pink to come and fix my lack of memory for all things mechanical.
So, we done with that … this RV'ing, alone, without Barb, who wears the tool belt in this family.
" … on the road again like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
we're the best of friends … "
So, ROOMMATE WANTED.
Must be an Elite angler.
Must be a non-smoker.
Must be a non-healther.
Must be a non-me.
Must know how to do things I don't know how to do, which will leave you with plenty of room for exploration.
Must not be a fan of ANY other NFL AFC East teams except the Buffalo Bills, or I will call some of the retired Buffalo Bills I know who will visit us and help you become a fan.
Must not believe that carrot cake is CAKE.
Must leave all bait, INCLUDING SUSHI, out in the boat and not in the refrig where in a late-night raid while half asleep I may mistake it for a donut and have to smother you in your sleep.
Must have the ability to smell the wash/dry/fold joint at 60 mph as we idle through town.
Must share that livewell ice with the LIVE-well-margarita-blender on a fairly regular basis.
Must understand that a balanced meal consists of all this … steak, and a knife and fork.
Must never, ever, EVER, pull up the channel guide on the TV and highlight … Oprah.
Must like Elvis … the skinny one.
And above all … must understand that not understanding is not necessarily a bad thing … and may actually help … YOU!
So Elite anglers, I also offer you mystery … eight weeks of it.
As my roommate for the 2012 tour.
You and me … or you, you, and me if you already have one roommate that you sometimes get sick of talking to and need another person around who also won't listen to you.
Elites to apply, email me at email@example.com.
No Gemini's allowed.
… I guess that would be OK.
" … and I can't wait to get on the road again."
On The Road