Wanna be a bass pro?

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Arturo Gonzalez Murga

You say you want to be a pro bass angler? Unless your last name is Trump, you’re gonna need some deep-pocketed sponsors to bankroll the costly tournament fishing lifestyle! Forget that leaky johnboat and the rust bucket ’78 El Camino you tow it with; if you’re serious about competing against the likes of KVD, Ike, E2, G-Man and the rest of the Bassmaster Elite Series superstars, you’ll need a tournament-ready, 21-foot bass rig and a custom Toyota Tundra complete with built-in tackle management system and puppy-squasher tires! And that’s just for starters! Add in tournament entry fees, fuel, meals and lodging, and you’re looking at an enormous outlay of cash before you ever make your first cast!

The bad news is, those aforementioned Elite Series superstars already have all the A-list, big-money sponsors sewn up. The good news is, we’ve unearthed some little-known B-, C- and D-list companies whose potential as bass fishing sponsors remains totally untapped! If you’re itching to hit the tournament trail but need somebody else to pay the bills, better get off your keister and contact one or more of these stellar outfits today!

Tat-Off Instant Tattoo Removal

Arturo Gonzalez Murga

This innovative leader in the fast-growing tattoo-removal industry features patented RID (Rapid Ink Dissolving) technology, utilizing proven sulfuric-acid-based treatment applications for speedy, semi-pain-free removal of any tattoo. Each Tat-Off franchise location features a state-of-the-art, soundproof PMS (Pain Management Suite) where customers undergoing tattoo removal can scream in agony at the top of their lungs without alarming anyone in the nail salon next door. Sponsorship demands include visiting the company’s 50-plus franchise locations between tournaments, where you will be required to assist Tat-Off employees in restraining uncooperative clients prior to tattoo removal treatment.

Dinky Doodle Diaper Service

Arturo Gonzalez Murga

Dinky Doodle’s slogan, “Your baby’s No. 2 is our No. 1,” explains why this service-oriented company is beloved by new parents who are either too tired or too lazy to do their own laundry. You’ll proudly wear Dinky Doodle’s colors (yellow and brown) at the weigh-in stand if you’re lucky enough to be granted sponsorship by this leader in the trillion-dollar diaper laundry service industry. Sponsorship demands include picking up dirty diapers from actual Dinky Doodle customers living near tournament locations, stashing them in your truck (possibly for several months at a time), then delivering them to the Dinky Doodle Laundry MegaCenter the next time you’re within a 500-mile radius of company headquarters in Butte, Mont.

Ollie’s Obsolete Electronics

Arturo Gonzalez Murga

Ever wonder what happened to all the CB radios, electric typewriters, 2,000-pound 32-inch tube television sets, Sony Walkmans, Palm Pilots, VCRs, plain paper fax machines and a thousand other outmoded electronic devices? They all ended up at the Ollie’s Obsolete Electronics warehouse, a sprawling 32-acre facility located somewhere in North Dakota. Ollie’s sells virtually every type of obsolete electronic device, mostly to customers in third- and fourth-world countries, via his website. If you’re the lucky angler who scores an Ollie’s sponsorship, Ollie will provide a free boat wrap, load you up with all the old flasher depthfinder units you can carry and even install a vintage eight-track tape player in your truck for your listening pleasure when you’re en route to your next tournament!

La Cosa Nostra Waste Disposal

Arturo Gonzalez Murga

The Gambino family has been a fixture in the waste disposal industry for decades, dating back to when Carl “The Godfather” Gambino knocked off his competitors one by one to gain a stranglehold on the most lucrative New Jersey garbage pickup routes. That spirit of all-American entrepreneurship remains alive today as the Gambinos continue to expand their waste disposal territory through what might politely be referred to as “aggressive marketing techniques.” As a pro staff member, you’ll promote the La Cosa Nostra brand by driving a customized 3-ton garbage truck vehicle with built-in trash compactor to tournaments nationwide. Carl’s great-grandson Lucca “Brass Knuckles” Gambino will hand you the keys to the trash truck and your new boat, then will send you off on the tournament trail with the admonishment, “Ya better not lose dem tournaments, kid, ‘cuz I’ll be watchin’ ya!” Also, don’t look closely inside that trash compactor; you might find the remnants of some of La Cosa Nostra’s former competitors inside.

Dr. Carl’s One-Hour Liposuction

Arturo Gonzalez Murga

Bass fishing and healthy eating don’t exactly go hand in hand. We bass anglers love our 40,000-calorie truck stop buffet breakfasts, sodium-heavy on-the-water lunches of Vienna sausages and potted meat, and greasy bacon double cheeseburgers with super-sized fries and a 64-ounce shake while driving home from the lake. It’s no wonder so many of us can barely squeeze behind the console of a bass boat! Fortunately for you, the paunchy aspiring pro, weight loss pioneer Dr. Carl Freenmuggle has taken notice of the plentiful population of portly potbellied people who love to fish for bass, and he’s looking for the perfect guy to help him promote his miracle 1-Hour Liposuction procedure to fat fishermen everywhere! Dr. Carl will be on hand in the parking lot at future Elite Series tournaments to perform his patented speedy weight loss procedure on obese pros and lard-bodied spectators alike! As a member of Dr. Carl’s pro staff, you’ll be treated to a free Pro Series Liposuction, and your “before” and “after” photos will appear in full-page Bassmaster ads, thereby exposing the new, slimmer you to millions of avid bass fans (and other potential sponsors) worldwide!