Grumpy old men: Deja deux

“Elite Event Housing Needed”

Dateline: TX, AR, GA, AL, WI, NY, MI…

“Up this morning before the sun…”

“Dang it this *@!%& phone.”

That there pretty much exact quote came from Paul Elias, Bassmaster Classic Champion, and my roommate.

‘cept Paul didn’t use symbols to describe the phone.

You see, he was trying to call me, and either couldn’t figure out the iPhone, or was out of range…’cept there was this one mitigating factor that lead to me having to use symbols for Paul’s speech patterns…

…Paul was trying to call me, while in the backseat of Shaw Grigsby’s truck.

And I was in the front seat.

He was trying to do that thing where you call a friend so they get your number in their phone,

‘cept…after a couple of tries Paul just used a scrap of paper with his phone number on it to get it into my phone.

That worked.

So I can write this plea pretty much positive that Paul won’t be reading it since he does most of his interneting  on that same phone.

Shaw on the other hand is going to be more difficult to slip this story by him.

I’ve emailed his wife Polly several times with suggestions of throwing his phone in the creek out back of the house…maybe accidently stepping on his glasses a couple of dozen times.

For some reason she hasn’t emailed me back.

I thought of maybe sending him, accidently of course, one of his favorite things to eat, sushi, maybe just accidently of course, slipping in some bad sushi…but since I don’t myself personally eat bait, I couldn’t tell the difference between the supposedly good eatin’ sushi, and the accidental bad eatin’ sushi that would do no more harm then strapping Shaw to the toilet for the several days this story will run.

So if anyone is going catch me on this story…it’s going to be that wonderful, saintly, fun loving, handsome, genius, never gets mad, Shaw.

Here’s the deal why I’m hoping me and B.A.S.S. can sneak this by my two roommates, the last thing I told my roommates right before I told them the real last thing, “Bye,” was this, “No problem dudes I’ll find the housing for next year…piece of cake.”

And then…I forgot.

Paul dude…if that is you calling me about this…your phone isn’t working yet!

“…fixed me some coffee and a honey bun…”


while I haven’t actually told my roommates this yet, we are what you could possibly, technically call…homeless.

It’s a purely technical call because when we are where we normally are and not at where we are supposed to get, we have homes, but when we get to the place we have to get to, that’s where the trouble seems to pop up.

Because when we get to where we need to get, the homes we are supposed to be getting to and staying in don’t know nothing about us since while I do know where we have to get the places we have to get to don’t know nothing about us getting there since I sort of forgot to tell them that we were getting there.

Going to take a lot of good or bad sushi to get out of this one.

No Paul, I still can’t hear you asking me about our place in La Crosse, Wisconsin, your breaking up…

“…jumped in my pickup…”

Okay…so it’s not really all that bad…here’s just the few places where I kind of forgot to not make us homeless:  Orange, TX, Zapata, Tx, Bull Shoals, AR, La Grange, GA, Montgomery, AL, La Crosse, WI, Waddington, NY, Lake St. Clair, MI.

Now Shaw is going to read that and say exactly this to me, “Dude that’s the entire season and you haven’t booked ANY places to stay this season.”

And Shaw would be wrong, because I have in fact booked a couple places to stay…when I cover the College Bass Tournaments…it’s just that Shaw won’t be fishing those.

But I have booked some places to stay this season, just to be precise about that, not my fault the places I have booked are all at tournaments where Paul and Shaw won’t be.

“…gave her the gas…”

So, if you happen to have places to stay in those Elite event places I mentioned above, and you somehow made the mistake of renting your place to other Elite anglers who called you months ago when the schedule came out, you need to email me at with the names of the Elite anglers you have rented to so I can tell you why you have made such a huge mistake to rent to those guys.

Trust me landlord-dudes, nobody knows these guys as well as I do…and I will be totally honest with you and expect nothing in return since I figure it is my duty to tell you why the anglers you have rented to shouldn’t be the anglers you need to rent to ESPECIALLY if you have rented to THREE anglers and have SEPARATE sleeping space and BOAT PARKING for the anglers while also having blazing fast INTERNET speed in case one of those anglers that you rented to but shouldn’t have needs to put a bunch of words up on a website.

Just saying.

On the other hand, myself, Shaw, and most of the time, Paul, are perfect renters.

We only need a couple very simple things:

A front or backyard lawn you don’t care about since two boats will be parked on it, and depending on how late I’m out at night, possibly a 4Runner.

If you have rented to other tournament anglers I’m sure you already have this…ground floor windows with the screen window already slit so we can run bright orange extension cords out to the boats.

Two refrigerators…one for food…one for 400LBS of ice, and maybe a beer or two.

Wood floors so the hooks we leave behind won’t hide in the carpet for your next tenant to find in their bare feet.

Two coffee makers, one for Paul to mostly swear at, one for Shaw to make coffee in.

Two microwaves, one for Paul to swear at, one for Shaw cook things in.

Two TVs one……

Very hard of hearing neighbors who can sleep through First Armageddon Light which usually is around 4:30am as Shaw and I wait for Paul to go back into the house for the stuff he has forgot…several times.

So if you have anything other than a pup tent in the backyard, which Paul has said he won’t be doing that again, or empty refrigerator box which Paul also unreasonably won’t do again, please email me…ME…not Paul, not Shaw,

okay maybe Paul since I know how he is with email.

“…I'm goin' out to catch a five pound bass.”

Five Pound Bass

Robert Earl Keen


PS:  Paul, Shaw…love you dudes…

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