(October 24 - November 21)
Stay away from all snacks while fishing. There will be a massive recall on marshmallow pies, canned beans and prepackaged sandwiches later this month. The snacks you purchase will escape this nationwide recall. I'm not kidding. Should you ignore this warning, projectile vomiting will occur at the most inopportune moment. The stars are clear on this. Go hungry for once, you overweight pig.
(November 22 - December 21)
Things will start to fall into place as the calendar turns. You will catch fish on virtually every cast. Your fall hunting success will flourish. You will be loved and admired by your family and co-workers. Of course, sometimes things don't always work out like they are supposed to. So just to be safe, stay home and pull the curtains. Sometimes the knowledge of what might have been provides far greater enjoyment than the reality of life. Know what I mean?
(December 22 - January 19)
As the planets enter your sign this month, clear your social calendar and pay close attention to the position of Uranus. Schedule a fishing trip for the first half of the lunar cycle when your chance of success is at its zenith. And that missing shipment from Cabela's? Look inside your neighbor's garage on the third shelf under the potato sacks. The contents will be missing but you'll soon discover what has been happening. And you can apologize to the switchboard operators in Nebraska.
(January 20 - February 18)
Watch out as Venus enters your solar panel. Not the planet, dummy — that ditzy old lady from the cable company will fall through your roof while installing that new satellite system you wanted for ESPN Outdoors programs. You might want to check your homeowner's policy while you're at it. As far as bass fishing goes, stay home. You're not going to catch anything except the flu this month. At least you'll have some new channels to watch to help pass the time.
(February 19 - March 20)
Have you checked your powerhead lately? As the stars align in your celestial hemisphere, that funny little noise you noticed at 6,000 rpm will suddenly reveal itself. Preventive maintenance is the key to a complete meltdown by the second week of the month. Don't hesitate to scream like a banshee at the local marine dealership if they don't believe you. After all, the stars never lie.
(March 21 - April 19)
The anger you will feel during your first fishing trip of this lunar cycle can be avoided by simply leaving her at home. No names. None needed. Right? Failure to follow through will result in another one of those horrific conflicts between Venus and Mars. That little item you lost will be found. It's stuck inside the bilge pump. Yeah, that was her fault, too.
(April 20 - May 20)
Just because you think you're intelligent does not make it so. Just ask your fishing buddies who have been talking behind your back down at the café for the past three weeks. That's right. They're dogging you big time. I swear it's true. Later in the month, as Jupiter enters your house, instability will follow with uninvited guests — like your nasty old mother-in-law and her new boyfriend from Miami, that card-carrying animal rights activist with blue hair and a polyester suit. Check the guest list. And check it twice.
(May 21 - June 21)
While hitting the road for another fishing trip as the month begins, zany characters will soon appear. Ignore the sign-toting panhandler camped out on the entrance ramp. He's actually gainfully employed. But definitely pick up the twins on the exit ramp. Twins are good omens to help you catch more bass. Bring home flowers. And remember to check your truck for evidence before arriving back home. New moon position indicates the crankbait will work best if you wear your wife's underwear on your head.
(June 22 - July 23)
This will be your month to shine. Enter a fishing contest and start counting the money. Set the hook at the slightest provocation. The planets will remain strongly aligned until the fourth quarter, at which time you should avoid betting on all SEC football games. Your team is not going to win. And stop trying to impress your neighbors with fish tales — especially those you've tossed in their garbage cans at night to keep your garage smelling nice and clean.
(July 24 - August 23)
Your mind accelerates to warp speed this month. Time to be innovative and original for once, like help out around the house. And that new lure invention? The one with twin 10-inch worms attached to a double jighead separated by 100-pound-test wire? Move forward. There are plenty of fools who will pay for something ridiculous like that. After all, your garage is full of them.
(August 24 - September 23)
Walk through the mystery door instead of the open door. Remember that new bass boat you've always wanted? Now is the time to consider a second mortgage. Go ahead. Take a chance. It's time to start listening to that little red devil on your shoulder. Failing a second mortgage, play the lottery. That will make just as much sense.
September 24 - October 23)
As the moon enters your constellation, push those boundaries. Quit your job, change your name to Harvey and become a full-time fishing guide. Your timid shuffle will become a swagger as you enter the local bait shop. Start booking dates for the boat show, because you will soon become a star. Remember to request more than a hot dog and soda for those speaking engagements that are sure to follow.